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06/06/2021
unfortunately i am feeling somewhat bad at the moment -- mostly stemming from a lack of motivation. there are things i aspire to do and learn, but all i can really bring myself to do at the moment is play video games and sleep. i enjoy these activities, but i do feel guilty for indulging in them. i feel like there are many things ive been doing wrong with my life, and that i currently have much less going for me than i did last year at this time. i know life goes in cycles of ups and downs but i generally feel disinterested for some reason. recently my mom told me to get it through my head that i am just a number and i will always be just a number no matter what goals i try to achieve, and this wore me down as well. i would like to draw, do my course, make my portfolio, etc. but every day i wake up and i dont feel like doing any of that-- and it makes me feel like a very bad person. im disappointed in myself.
27/05/2021
i am still alive! and this time im graduated... followed by recently fired and booted from my school studio - both from lack of work ethic(???) at least i think so for the job but not sure aaaand one of my closest friends of the past 4 years blocked me on everything. either way, i was dealing with heavy burnout for a bit there with little to no inspiration. now im back to where i was when i started this blog i think -- situated at my parents with some free time. the goal is to work on a portfolio and the vfx course im signed up for right now, but overall i would like a little bit of space to breathe where i can get it. my name is still savannah and im still mostly me, feeling much less gendered as of late and a lot less desperate for human touch, but all in all still the same. now that im out of school its all me and whatever i please i guess, so i just have to get around to my aspirations. first step: clean the bedroom. im feeling pretty neutral, and i guess ill see what happens next :o neocities still makes me really happy :) i like to have my own place of nice colours and pics
31/12/2020
being medicated is really complicated unfortunately.. while i feel safe in my body and not like im teetering on the brink of something really abysmal, i also feel the same numbness i felt during my worst episodes. the only difference is this numbness is accompanied with blind happiness rather than sadness. im in a good mood sure, bubbly and talking to people — but the space inside my mind seems hollow now. i dont feel that i think anything of depth or weight, that everything i produce creatively is vapid and gimicky, and that i cant identify anything about my personality or positive attributes. i feel more like a robotic people pleaser than an individual named savannah. i hope some day i can find the middle line between feeling lighter than air and two tons of human waste, so that i can give and take from the people around me in a way that’s truly genuine. i would like to know myself better :( but— happy new year!!!!!! im sorry for always overcomplicating things and never being satisfied >:0 im not sure my mark on this world is even substantial enough to warrant how self centred i am!!!!!!!! brbbbrbrrrrrr drinking sangria on discord tonight eheh. everything is okay and will be okay! someday ill wash someones back and kiss them in the tall grass, and someday ill stand at the top of a mountain with my hands in the air!
01/11/2020
how funny would it be if i made a comic where a man is working at an info desk in the mall, and then another person walks up to the desk and asks to speak with the divine feminine. the man behind the desk gestures to the fish tank on the desk and within, theres a mantis shrimp. the shrimp turns to the person on the other side of the desk and in a booming voice, so much that the glass in the tank vibrates, the shrimp says "That Would Be Me." i was thinking the punchline should either be a shrimp or a monkey who pops up from behind the desk.
20/10/2020
WAIT DO I HAVE TO CHANGE MYSELF!? AAAAAAAAAAAAH also the green dress fit stupid but that happens every time i buy anything. eek its so stressful to think ab the individual parts of being human so i just try to focus on learning things so that i can avoid having an identity q_q
09/10/2020
i love my friends so much that i feel kind of sick when im away from them. im scared for school to end and for me to be away from them. im scared to not feel the love they put into me and feel empty without them. how will i feel warmth if not from other people??? today i was wondering if i have ever lived different lives as flowers and plants-- and maybe thats why i like them. i bought a green dress the other day.
28/09/2020
in a few days im going to do a moon ritual - which means i need to think of things to burn! i would like to put some words in about physical insecurities since those seem to be coming full circle for me. i also would like to put in some notes for christie, kalista, paul, and sereniti. ive been buying vhs tapes lately, which means i need to find as many b movies as i can. also, ive been reading a lot but i still dont have much of a personality. im hoping during the ritual i can expell how fucking annoying my own voice sounds in my head. i hope that isolation can calm down and that ill be able to meet some new people soon. ive been spending too much money but i want to spend more. ive been melting wax on little jars filled with orange peels so that i can summon happiness. i want to be shorter and taller and skinnier and SMARTER god please let me be smarter. i dont understand where all of my talents went, and how they fell out between my fingers like water. im rambling again because im avoiding homework and AAAAH
19/09/2020
myra and i have a surprise roommate this year which is kinda cute. i also love having kalista around so often. school hit quickly for whatever reason Q_Q i need to put myself into some sort of passion that will make me feel like i have value. i have a hard time sitting around without any sort of productivity. even if its something small like watching lectures or drawing - i need to feel some sort of relief in that i actually have some sort of skill set. right now im typing unfiltered and ik im rambling - sorry about that. i would like to make some zines and mail them to people. i would like to make some postcards and mail them to people.
11/09/2020
woopsie -- i got a year older, sorry for not telling you! i took this site off of all my socials so i can talk about my fatass crush on stephen gillmurphy and maybe make some stuff that i dont have to worry about perception wise?? :S ive been working on some things and i also (AAAAAAH) started school again. moving into the new place has been a pain in the ass so far, just coz we dont have any wifi or stuff already in the house. i bought a tablecloth from the dollarstore that has lemons on it and im happy about that! right now im working on a story called dandelion upside-down and its a lesbian body horror thing. gonna keep an eye out for the next time rpgm2k3 goes on sale ^^ who would ever want to run an engine off of steam though lol. ok bye love you!!! i love you!!!! i love you so so much!!!!!!!
07/07/2020
after a while of spending my days with very little and very low energy, i feel like im starting to kick back up again. i've been reading cujo, and im about halfway through - as well as socializing a bit more than what i was earlier in the summer. ive met and gone out with some new people which is quite a nice change of pace! additionally i mailed out some old teddy bear invites to my birthday picnic ill be hosting later this month :) im still very off and on but it feels nice to just float around in the space that i have been. i'm glad i don't work this summer :o
21/06/2020
on friday, i went to niagra falls to see my friends. we had a picnic and ate some sandwiches in one of their backyards! the whole time we were eating all you could smell were these heavily scented flowers from a bush at the back of the lot {pictured below} and i thought it was really nice. my sandwich was really good and i was happy to see all of them. this weekend both saturday and sunday night im doing work for a theatre out in BC, hosting an online larp. it's sailor moon themed which is quite cute! but for the most part all i really care about is maybe making some new friends.
18/06/2020
the last couple days i can tell my horomones have been out of kilter, and so ive been trying to keep my mind occupied with my online bug course (u of alberta) and talking to friends online. i know that its normal for people to be emotionally irregular i just hate when it happens to me and im still not all that good at dealing with it!! sometimes it feels like the only thing i can do is lay out on the lawn and soak up as much of the sunshine as i can - and hope that the sun fills me with warmth and stops be from feeling so lonely and disconnected from everything and everyone. on the bright side i guess i do know much more about bugs now that i ever did before :] hoping this feeling of lachrymose passes so i can get back on schedule with myself. im excited to drive out to the falls tomorrow and see kalista and paul ♡♡♡♡♡
15/06/2020
today i went to the park downtown and walked around until i had 4 blisters. in between though, i passed the time reading my book (geralds game - s.king) and doing some life drawings - drawings of flowers, bugs, trees, buildings and people. they're all pretty loose but it was nice practice! after that i sauntered around the rose bushes and soaked up the smell ^^ today made me think about just how regularly flowers are on my mind, and how ubiquitously pretty they all are. i wish there were more things that i can love as wholly as i do flowers. i placed a rose petal on the top of my tounge and let it rest there for a bit of my walk, feeling happy to connect with something so soft and delicate. additionally, i made an effort to watch sunrise this morning with an omelette and some coffee, and watch the morning dew melt away. feeling these kind of connections with nature seems really good 4 my body and head
14/06/2020
hello first post!!!!!!!!! :] today i didn't really do much, i talked to some friends and sat on the lawn for a while! i painted my toes td too which was nice. oh and i mailed out some postcards! one to arizona and one to the falls ^^ happy 2 see my wildflowers from last summer came back o: im feeling a bit better atm. i wish i could make music! i wish i had more time! i need to get better at so many things && learn everything ever
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